A house..

I will build myself a house of stones

picked among the finest of the Adrar.

It will be the color of spice:

cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, saffron.

A house like those made by nomads;

built thinking of now,

with no thought for tomorrow,

or permanence.

It will have sharp and uneven edges,

and cracks between the stones

letting in rays of light mixed with dust

in the afternoon heat,

cool air in the evenings

and the very rare morning mist.

From time to time,

I will lean against the front door

and look into the horizon,

letting the wind caress my hair,

thinking of lost moments,

with bare feet dug into the sand,

counting stars against the burning sky.

And when I'm gone,

because my heart can't resist the wind's call,

the house will remain

a playground for goats,

an occasional refuge for herders,

a familiar feature in the landscape.

Time will pass;

my footprints

vanish.

Only a mound of rocks will stand

where happiness

once found me.

Sonia Z. 

Update

Hello all: sorry for not updating sooner. It has been a crazy few weeks. I promise to do a comprehensive update soon. But for now: I had a lot of ups and downs both physically and personally. Eliana and I were also sick so that took a bit of a toll. I also began to work part time and thy has turned out to be quite challenging.
Trying to keep my spirits and energy up. Some days are better than others. I promise not to be on hiatus.

Hope all of you are doing well. It is finally spring!

Sonia A. Zeledon

Hair Loss Part 1

 

"I might look like something out of Star Trek - but I’m winning the fight of my life" Bernie Nolan

I found this interview on youtube. Bernie Nolan spoke about her treatment for breast cancer. Bernie revealed that, like many women choose to do, she shaved her head as her hair started falling out in clumps during chemotherapy. “The thing is, my hair was falling out anyway, and it was all tufts here and tufts there, and it looked worse” she said “I looked like somebody who was really ill – ha! – which I don’t consider myself. And I just thought “Get rid of it,” I’m in charge of this disease, not the disease in charge of me. And I thought I’m taking my hair off, so that’s what I did.”   

I like that attitude! And she is right, it is easier to mourn the loss of hair  in one sharp shock than to do it on a daily basis.  I am clearly not as brave. The last few weeks I have noticed my hair falling out in different places. I barely have any leg hair or hair in most of my body below my neck. The hair on my head has started to thin out and I often see it fall out in clumps.    Bernie you brave to take control in this way.   My friend was going to shave my head and give me a buzz cut last week, but we decided to cut my hair really short instead.  My hairstylist agreed that a lot of my hair had fallen out, but believed that the new haircut would be able to mask the hair loss. 

Bernie also said that hair loss had been traumatic, confessing ‘Initially, when I was first diagnosed in April, I was like hair, schmair, if it has to come off then it comes off, that sort of attitude. But your hair is your femininity and for me it was a big part of who I am actually, my hair, more than my breasts, I’m not a booby woman. But it had to be done and you have to be strong, and it’s a new look, not one that I would choose, but I felt good when I’d done it.’      

Bernie is almost through her treatment and her doctors are pleased with her progress, as the chemotherapy is reducing her tumours. She is the third of her sisters to be diagnosed with cancer within the past 10 years. However, tests have revealed that she is not a carrier of the cancer gene, which she says came as a huge relief to her because of her 11-year-old daughter Erin’s potential risk of contracting the disease.   

I have to say I really admired Bernie watching this interview – she pulled no punches when it came to the brutal reality of chemotherapy and while I usually hate to use that hackneyed phrase of “brave”, I felt she did come across as gutsy and brave. And she is not alone. Right now there are many women out there who are in the same position, who are shaving their heads, making decisions regarding treatment, going to chemo sessions, caring for their families, and getting on with things. It is amazing when you look back on it from the prospective of a few years and see how far you have come. I look back on my own chemotherapy and the  many dark nights of the soul on my own journey, but I can also see how my journey with cancer took my life in new directions and down paths I never would have walked ordinarily.  

I will post pictures of my new hairdo soon. I do miss my long locks.. I had such pretty hair. 

Acupuncture and Cancer

Apologies for the lack of posts the last few days/week, but we have been very busy with deciding on treatments, dealing with moth infestation (will report on my next post), and the usual Eliana mischievous ways. This post, however, deals with Acupuncture. I have been getting acupuncture on a weekly (and bi weekly basis when possible). Acupuncture has helped me tremendously, both physically and spiritually. Many of you, I am sure, are skeptical about the benefits of acupuncture, but I am attest to the wonders of the science. I used acupuncture to help me get pregnant when doctors were telling me I could not. I am now using acupuncture together with my therapies in order to boost my immune system and/ increase the  benefit of my western therapy. 
I have read that acupuncture retains the immune system and brain toward a natural and successful antagonistic approach to dangerous cell growth. My acupuncturist tells me that acupuncture will help my body's immune system to relearn its original "seek and destroy" mission against any disease.  My acupuncturist sees the needle she uses as an enemy. As the needle pricks, my body musters its defenses against the invader.  My acupuncture says she can feel the qi energy and body tissue resist penetration of the needle.  Applied at key points, she believes the immune system can be retrained and reactivated, and this defensive action may be channeled to the site of the cancer.


If you google acupuncture and cancer you will see that modern medicine sees acupuncture as a method to help with the symptoms of Chemo or other therapies.  Personal testimonies, however, tell their story of how acupuncture resulted in cancer remission.  Many patients have told me that the acupuncture treatments saved their lives when modern medicine had given them months even weeks to live.  This sounds too familiar to me- when fertility doctors gave me 0 chance to have a child and now we have Eliana. I will also take my chances with acupuncturee. At the very least, acupuncture has tremendously helped with the side effects of my treatments. Acupuncture thus far has helped me endure and recover from the treatments. 
I believe in the enormous potential for using acupuncture for cancer patients: first, to enhance the immune system to assist my body fighting the disease, and second, for assistance during western treatment. In addition to acupuncture, I am also taking herbs to assist in the body immune fighting. 


Thus far, I have more energy, feel more relaxed, and my depression subsided a bit- all great news. I will continue to receive acupuncture for months, maybe even years. I am a big fan. 

Busy Days

Hello all. I havent posted in a few days, but I promise I will post tonight. I have been very busy with Eliana, getting tests done, and dealing with my impending trip to Miami. I will post updates and a new blog very soon.

Hope all is well.

Ps.
Eliana had her first meltdown at Costco. It was so much fun! NOT!

xox

Happy Valentines Day Everyone!

Infertility

As you all know, I had a very hard time getting pregnant- countless trips to fertility clinic, being told that I was unable to have kids, series of drugs, procedures, etc. I found the following article on Huffington post to be very interesting. After "coming out" and sharing my struggle to get pregnant, the countless hormones, the pregnancy, and ultimately the cancer, many people have come forth and shared similar experiences. Why is it such a taboo? why do we not discuss this openly?

Read and enjoy.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dina-roth-port/infertility-the-disease-w_b_819978.html

Test Week

This week I will be getting tests done!. Wish me luck. I will post all about it soon..


In honor of soon to be Valentine's day a few love quotes:

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.
Martin Luther King, Jr


Everytime you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.
Mother Teresa

Hatred can be overcome only by love.
Mahatma Gandhi

Hatred does not cease by hatred, but only by love; this is the eternal rule.
Buddha (Siddhartha Gautama)

Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts.
Charles Dickens

PS
I dig buddhism.

Quote of the Day

"She discovered with great delight that one does not love one's children just because they are one's children but because of the friendship formed while raising them"

Love in the Time of Cholera

"..romantic love seems to prove a preparation for parental love. Perhaps the best preparation out there. Where else, after all, but in strong relationships between passionate, caring adults can one learn the sacrifice and courage, empathy and idealism needed to adore and champion a child? Where our culture sees a contradiction, I see continuity. To ardently love an equal partner equips us to ardently love a child. And the other way around also: To dearly love a child prepares us- sometimes for the second (or seventeenth!) time- to better love a partner."

The Crazy Pregger Brain

I had a pregnancy dream last night. Yes, a pregnancy dream. I had memories of my erratic, irrational, and just plain crazy behaviour while I was pregnant with Eliana. 


Since even before I was pregnant, I was pumped with a tsunami of hormones. Add regular pregnancy hormones, a 60 pound weight gain- and what you get is a completely insane Sonia.  I was also equally crazy and irrational after the birth of Eliana and for about 3 months thereafter. I suffered from a slight post pardum depression. I am much better now- dealing with a different sort of depression-but it's of a different kind (read my other posts about depression and illness). 


Behavior changes while pregnant is actually caused by a number of different factors. First and foremost, these changes seems to be linked to a change in the levels of chemicals in the brain.  These changes govern your moods and decision making receptions in the brain. When they become disrupted, this leads changes in behavior, depression, irrational behavior, etc. 


During pregnancy, the rapid change in the body's hormones (this is especially true for women who take hormones to become pregnant), may trigger a change in the levels of these chemicals, resulting in erratic behavior, depression, memory loss, etc. The above behavior can also be triggered by various emotional, psychological, or personal factors, including stressful life events, financial troubles, or death in the family.  I didnt have a death in the family, but I had all sorts of stressful life events, among other things.


So, dear friends: If you were in my path during my pregnancy: I apologize for my crazy and erratic behavior. And for those friends who are currently pregnant my piece of advice: cut yourself a little slack, try to relax as much as possible and do not make any big decisions. 


Here is a story that I remember:

One night during a work trip, I was at a hotel  watching a movie, an  eating dinner. I had three biscuits on my plate. Just as I was eating the last bite, I thought in my head, "Ahhh, bummer! I'm all done."

And then... without ANY warning, I just burst into tears. It was so sudden that I actually had NO idea why I was crying.

I then realized that I was crying because I finished my biscuits!  And though I was hysterical by that point, I burst out laughing... uncontrollably, mind you... at the thought of crying over finishing BISCUITS when I had room service on speed dial!   So  there I was ... empty plate, crying and laughing, not having any idea what is going on in my head. Yes, not my proudest moment. 

Hope that made you laugh. Have a wonderful day. 

World Cancer Day!

World Cancer Day



Friday was World Cancer Day. Already I have received more than a dozen chain emails memorializing World Cancer Day and urging me to forward the burning candle to everyone I know to honor those affected by the disease.


But what is going to make a difference this year and in the future is not email messages or Facebook status updates. It is action. Action on a grand scale. So this year I urge you to become involved. Become an advocate, make your voice heard by those who make decisions about research and healthcare dollars. Tell someone in power that we need more options for metastatic cancer, not fewer. Donate to an organization that supports patients or supports research and education.

Cancer is becoming a global epidemic. One of every two men and one of every three women will be diagnosed with cancer at some point in their lifetime. If cancer has not touched you, it has touched the life of someone you know.

If you need more reasons please read Susan G. Komen for the Cure founder Ambassador Nancy Brinker's excellent blog Cancer Control Can't Wait:

"World Cancer Day will, we hope, set the stage for more meaningful work on cancer control on a global scale. As Goodwill Ambassador for Cancer Control for the World Health Organization, and as a breast cancer survivor and 30-year advocate to end breast cancer, I know too well the pain and devastation of this disease. I’ve seen it in my own family, in my sister who died of breast cancer 30 years ago. And I’ve seen it all too painfully in the faces of members of our global family — women dying in undeveloped countries of cancers that might have been easily treated in the West.
Cancer is the leading cause of death around the world, killing more people every year than AIDS, malaria and tuberculosis combined. The World Health Organization estimates that, without appropriate intervention, 84 million people will die from cancer between 2005 and 2015. While the emotional impact of losing a loved one to cancer is immeasurable, the economic impact of premature death caused by cancer is measurable, and it is devastating. A recent study found that 25 nations are losing more than 2 percent of their GDP to deaths and disability caused by cancer. These figures are only for the deaths that can be attributed directly to cancer. Many deaths each year go unreported, because many countries lack cancer registries."

I am an example of cancer at a young age. While I have devoted my time and efforts to Green initiatives and global poverty, I will also devote my time and energy to be a voice to Cancer. I am a young mother and a woman. The healthcare insurance companies are not on our side. We must continue to advocate access to healthcare to every person on the planet.

ps.
Every single person should watch the documentary: A Small Act- beautiful, sad, and inspiring. Not about cancer, but about a small act with global impact.