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We are back in Washington DC this  week for second job interview and doctors appointments.  We have spent the day alone in the house and have not ventured outside since returning from Miami last night.  We usually spend the days alone- just Eliana and me, but today has been a little different. Maybe perhaps because we just returned from Florida where we did not have a moment alone to ourselves and the  house was inundated with family 24/7. Or maybe it's because the silence of the house is making my brain work overtime.  Whatever the reason, today has been particularly hard.
I caved to temptation and opened all the emails from my family that discussed kidney cancers, cancers in general, and the multitude of procedures available out there.  Instead of making me feel better, it actually made me feel worse. I am now filled with uncertainty and all the research left me with more questions than answers.
Unfortunately, I am not much of a believer, so I cannot take comfort on the thought that someone up there has a plan for me. I just hope I can get through this and be able to recall this period with Eliana as just another challenge.

My new plan is to keep my mind positive and stop obsessing with being scared, lonely, and sad is that I am going to do two things: 1) teach myself French and 2) follow the recipes I see on the food network and  cook something gourmet at least twice a week (as long as I have the energy and am not too weak). By the way, I have been feeling unusually tired and feeling more pain than usual- a reason why I need to begin treatment asap.
I know how to cook, but I have always preferred baking over regular cooking. But recently, I have wanted to make more complex roasts, fishes, etc.. so I will take this opportunity in my life to cook things that will somehow bring me comfort. Dont worry, I will post recipes and pictures. I hope I have the strength to keep it up.
I also figured that if I can read Le Monde daily, it shouldnt be that difficult to learn French. Thanks my father's genes, I have an ability to pick up languages rather easily(verbal that is)- with the exception of Russian.. boy was that a total disaster!.
Anyway, today for the first time I actually cried over my condition. It was a good release I think because I had all of anxiety, fear, loneliness, and anger bundled up. I feel much better and writing on my blog helps me as well.
I hope everyone out there is making plans to spend a dashing new years. I am in no mood to celebrate with anyone, so I think we will spend it at home with Dick Clark.